Communion in Marriage

In my message, "Love Life: Family Guys and Gals, part 3", I quoted the theologian, John D. Zizioulas. He is an Orthodox Metropolitan who used to teach theology at the University of Glasgow. A metropolitan in the Orthodox Tradition is like an archbishop in the West. He's a bishop who oversees other bishops and priests. Anyway, he's a brilliant theologian and one of the leading theologians of our day, particularly in the area of Trinitarian Theology. He is on the "cutting edge," although he is on the cutting edge by reaching way back and helping us understand the theology of some of the Eastern Church Fathers.

Here's the quote from the preface of his new book, Communion and Otherness:

In our culture protection from the other is a fundamental necessity. We feel more and more threatened by the presence of the other. We are forced and even encouraged to consider the other as our enemy before we can treat him or her as our friend. Communion with the other is not spontaneous; it is built upon fences which protect us from the dangers implicit in the other's presence. We accept the other only in so far as he or she does not threaten our privacy or in so far as he or she is useful for our individual happiness (1).

Zizioulas claims this natural fear of the other is a result of the Fall, and that this fear of the other is even expressed in our fear of the Other par excellence, God. This inbred fear of the other results in all kinds of injustices and prejudices on a macro level of society, but also is very damaging on the micro level as we experience distance in our most intimate relationships.

Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships, yet even in marriage, there exists a fear of fully giving of myself to the other, to my spouse. I fear this full communion for various reasons. One is the fear of rejection. If I give myself fully, I may be rejected. Another is the fear of a lack of full reciprocity. If I give myself fully, he or she may not give himself or herself fully back to me. Then there's just plain old fear. I fear you because you are not me.

Indeed, sin and our sinful patterns of behavior damage our capacity for true communion, yet it is the diminished capacity for communion with the other that decreases our ability to be who we are created to be, decreases our capacity for a fulfilling, happy, and abundant life.

We are created for communion… communion with God and communion with others. In marriage, the most intimate communion is possible, yet how many of us truly experience this closeness we need because of our own fears. If God loves me fully, as I am, then I am free to love myself and then offer myself fully to my spouse because I am offering something that is fully lovable. In marriage, we give and we receive, we share and we take, we experience the blessedness of knowing and being known. However, for any communion to take place, first we are in desperate need of grace. Grace creates communion. So, how can I open myself to God's grace, to the grace of my spouse, and offer grace?